Adieu.
This was meant for December 2023, but better extremely late than...
I want my name engraved across the sky, imprinted in the hearts of men. I want my fame to go down in the scrolls of history, either in a good or bad light. It doesn’t matter if I'm perceived as a Luther or Hitler. I just want to be remembered.
~(Ruth, 2017)
Someone approached me, and requested I pen more happy tales. In his words “pity your readers”. I am writing this now because I might be dead tomorrow. This is not a suicide note.
Every sound of a firework does something to my psyche. It provokes a rhythmic self-inflicted torture and I don’t mind, it’ll be over soon. It’s almost a New Year, and everytime I remember the date, I'm curious how I made it this far. It's 5 days to the New Year, and I have decided to free myself from the agony of going through another long timeless loop, just to come out the same and more often, worse. I was a fighter, but now I'm not. It’s 5 days to my big day. The day of my liberty, the day of my peace, the day I die to live.
The room was going to be empty soon enough. Each roommate left with a happy chirp of “See you next year”. Their smiles were addictive, enviable but my mind was set. I hugged some, placed a kiss on others. We all found it weird, but I was in a good mood, we all believed. Not until the last girl left did I finally respond to their greetings. “See you next year, Ruth” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. My name sounded smooth on her tongue, the last I'd hear a person say it to my face. I waved back as she walked through the door.
“See you in the next life, Doyin”.
This week was the happiest of my life. I planned it out meticulously, careful not to miss a detail. Christmas happened to fall on a Monday, and I rearranged my life with a merry spirit. Someone once told me there is no use in living, if you’re not enjoying life. He didn’t lie. The conviction within me is as clear as crystal, and I've never been more sure of anything in my life. My exit would be simple, seamless, effortless. I'd close my eyes, inhale air and leave. From a good height, perhaps, but the options are numerous. My roommate left a bottle of Sniper somewhere in her bag. I could drink that but I don't want to suffer. Not anymore. The stomach ache and strong stench of it promises enough discomfort. Instead, I would hold on to the hostel railings and Jump. God had his reasons for placing me on the third floor of the building. I hate heights but on the day of my exit, I conquer my fears. All of it. I'd conquer life.
Tuesday was family time. I spoke to my Dad for more than 9 minutes, and my brother surprised me with a call like he knew my plans. I heard my sisters’ laughter and savored their voices for the last time. I saw my mum's face and was sure to imprint her smile in my heart. Even death won't take that from me. I was lucky, I got to see my Grandmother. She prayed for me over a video call, I uttered ‘Amens’ till she got to the part of long life. There and then, I could lie, but I won't. I knew I couldn't deny myself the impending pleasure. I let my sisters’ voices drown my silence. No one noticed.
Waking up with trembling hands and an irregular heartbeat had over the months become normal. But On Wednesday, I woke up with a weight of idleness. My thoughts were at war, and this should signal hope but even hope was lost. I prayed. Both to God and the devil. I didn’t ask for forgiveness, I had no regrets. I made a wish, I asked for peace. I followed the laws of God and forgave everyone I had a grudge against. I forgave my pastor, I forgave my body, and I hope God forgives me. I prayed peace and happiness upon my family, and a tinge of joy worked its way through me. I won’t be here to see everyone leave. Once, I would have looked around and saw a million reasons to be distressed. I would have thought of how everything is decaying slowly, rapidly. I would have imagined for the billionth time my reaction to the news of either of my parents’ death, and wore a faint smile. Eternity couldn't prepare me for that moment. I would have cursed the world for moving too fast, and pitied us for comprehending too slowly, each day adding a new brick to the solid wall of sorrows. But not anymore. I have accepted my life however it was, and chosen to end it on my own accord.
I dedicated Thursday to my friends. Relatives without a bloodline, a significant part of me. I spread love like never before and compared their uniqueness to the forces of nature. There was no need to hold back. I hazily wish I could celebrate the coming years with them but birthdays to me, are simply countdowns to our graves. I'd be getting there before them. I went to the railings again today, practicing how to test out my dead faith in God. If I jump, and I could fly, then I'll believe and that is good. If I jump, and I don't fly, dare I say, that is better. It’s a win-win situation however I see it. One of its kind.
Today makes it two days to my exit. I played an anonymous game. I listened to everyone tell me their deepest thoughts, and fill me with the keenness of their souls. I didn’t ask their thoughts about me, it simply didn’t matter anymore. Instead, I asked for their depths, for their hearts and minds. I connected with people one last time, paid my due diligence to humanity and told my best friend I love him. He knows but he must remember. The same way I know he’d remember me.
Tomorrow, I leave my skin. Peace won’t come to me, but I'll be going to it, even if it costs me my life. It will. There is a reason I avoided going home, it was for this day. Exiting amidst my family would devastate them, and I fear I might feel guilty, even in the grave. I cannot bear to break their hearts, while so close to them, but I could break it at a distance. Same pain, different ways to blame.
This is not a suicide note, it is my freedom. I looked to God and religion left me more confused. I looked to the pleasures of life but it was a wide goose chase. Nothing fixed me, nothing granted me peace. The abyss in my soul only rots deeper. I was holding on to dear life, and now I'm reaching out for dear death. I’m going home, wherever that may be. I didn't lie to my family after all.
By Sunday, my world would have heard the news. This is my way of professing love beyond limit to my friends, and loved ones. My final piece, my last words. Don’t keep me alive in your hearts, I'd do that for all of us. Let the memories of me leave with the passing year, give me that final respect. On Sunday, the last day of the year, let me go, it is my last wish. Be happy for me, perform my final rites with a smile for the peace I found.
The year ends with me.