GIRL CODE 101

A crash course for clueless men

Alright gentlemen (and major global headaches), welcome to Girl Code 101 - the sacred rulebook every woman instinctively knows but somehow manages to fly right over your heads. If you've ever found yourself wondering why your girlfriend, sister, or that girl you've been "talking to" (when you might really be wasting her time) is giving you the death stare, congratulations! You’ve violated Girl Code.

And I don't blame you (completely). The way our brains are wired is different from yours. Sometimes, you may or may not have committed a crime simply by breathing wrong. Other possible offenses? Saying too much, saying too little, love-bombing, love-starving, showing emotions, not showing emotions—etcetera, etcetera.

It’s all about timing. But there are some ground rules you should know, and I’m here to break it down to you in the most painfully obvious way possible. Buckle up.

1. THOU SHALT NOT DATE YOUR GIRL’S EX. DEADLY SIN.

Bro code is about loyalty; Girl code is about survival

Listen up, Kings. Once you bagged a girl in the friend group, and it did not work out, move on. You DO NOT move near her friend(s). There are over 4 billion women in the world - pick another one. It’s quite similar to this “bro-code” thing where you pretend to care about loyalty (until, of course, you get a text from your bro’s ex at 2AM). You boys may forgive it, but for girls? That’s signing your social death certificate. No sympathy. You’re done.

2. IF SHE CALLS HIM “BRO”, HE IS NOT HER BRO.

I’ve always wanted a brothaaa

If a girl calls a guy ‘bro’ in front of you, that is a red flag you should be taking note of. This is girl code for "I once considered marrying him in an alternate universe but now we’re playing pretend siblings.” Better a dude that is her ‘babe, shayla, love, whatever mushy name’ than one who is her ‘Bro’. If you check it, she is most likely to laugh harder at ‘Bro’s’ jokes (and he’s not Mufasa).

3. WHEN WE GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER, IT’S A SUMMIT, NOT A TRIP.

Bathroom breaks are the longest for good reasons

No, our makeup did not need a touch-up; the dress didn't need an adjustment and we did not just get the monthly visitor. We go alone for stuff like that. When we go together - in groups, the bathroom is a war room. Our CIA briefing. Our emotional support group. The Coven. If we come back giggling or smiling, someone just got roasted beyond recognition. If we come back quiet - solemn atmosphere? Someone’s about to cry, and you better be smart enough to ask what’s wrong.

4. IF SHE SHOWS YOU A SCREENSHOT, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SHOCKED.

Get into character, babe.

Why do I even have to say this? If a girl shows you tea, you do not - under any circumstances - react with “Oh, that’s not even that bad” or “He’s probably joking.” No. Be outraged. Be dramatic. Get into character. This is a soap opera, and you need to act accordingly. It doesn’t matter if you saw it coming or she’s showing you for the 10th time in 10 minutes. Obey the vibes, match the energy. The same rules apply to memes, reels and jokes.

5. WHEN WE SAY “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR,” WE MEAN “I HAVE NOTHING CUTE ENOUGH TO POST.

You see a pile, we see absolutely nothing.

In a saner climate, this is meant to be a no-brainer. And do not - DO NOT - start pointing at the pile of clothes on the bed like some detective solving a case. Don’t play Sherlock and remind us of the clothes you saw on us and just happen to like. Cute, but no. We know we own clothes. What we mean is that none of them fit our current vibe. And if you hit us with a “Just wear anything”? Immediate breakup. Instant eviction.

6. YOU’RE NOT GETTING YOUR HOODIES BACK.

His hoodie where?!

If we steal your hoodie, it’s not a loan, It’s an offering. It now smells like a mix of you and our shampoo, and that is an elite fragrance combination. You will never see it again. Accept it. Mourn it. Move on. God bless! (And pleasee buy more)

7. IF SHE SAYS “IT’S FINE,” IT IS IN FACT, NOT FINE.

I AM NOT FINE

And do not start with the “Then why did she lie” whining. We do not want to talk yet but we’re clearly telling you that something is wrong. For the love of all things holy, READ BETWEEN THE LINES. Show some basic effort. Here’s the catch -

• I’m fine with a full stop = Trap.

• I’m fine with an emoji = Either actually fine or the beginning of World War 3.

It’s all about intuition, folks.

8. WE KNOW WHEN YOU DIDN’T READ THE TEXT

When he said good night 2 hours ago, but my midnight meme just delivered.

Yes, my read receipts and last seen is turned off on Whatsapp. But, when it’s time to stalk you, I go straight to settings, turn that thing off, get the info I need, and reset it to what it was. So, more often than not, all your "Oh, I was busy.” "I didn’t see it.”? Lies. Blasphemy. We see when you’re online, we see when you’re active, and we KNOW when you opened it. Just admit you were ignoring us so we can decide whether to forgive you or emotionally torment you for the next 48 hours.

9. THE GIRL GROUP CHAT KNOWS EVERYTHING.

He. Did. Not.

You might as well start adding an extra ‘s’ to all your greetings and submissions. The girl group chat is the council of judges, the panel you’re no longer ignorant of. The moment you send a text, a council of women convenes to analyze, dissect, and critique. Your texts have been screenshot, discussed, and either approved or dragged for filth. Do note that this doesn’t apply to ALL girls. But it's safer to know that 85% of us are girls’ girls. Be careful out there.

10. OUR FRIENDS' OPINIONS MATTER MORE THAN YOURS.

Boy, you’re the third wheel.

And this is status quo till you put a tag- A RING - on it. Only and only then would we be obliged to completely trust you and your opinion. Till then, if my bestie or women council doesn’t like you? It’s over before it even started. If she says you give “weird vibes”? You give weird vibes. 80% of your points depend on their perception of you, simply because the tissue costs come from their accounts after you may break our hearts. Nothing personal, just facts.

I did say at the beginning that it’s all about timing, right? Right. Other things to consider is her personality, and the easiest route to take is to ASK HER CLEARLY. No tricks, no shenanigans, no indirect attempts. We rarely pick up ‘subtle signals’ and when we misinterpret, you might still get the blame. It’s part of the perks that come with being our beloved (or Bro).

Now, the actual question is: Will you actually retain this information? Doubtful. But hey, at least now, when you mess up and find yourself in hot water, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

Ciao.